Phone Anxiety

    I myself have phone anxiety. When it comes down to it I prefer to meet someone in person rather than call them over the phone. If there is one thing to always appreciate in life, it is your mother/father/guardian. Countless times I have called my mother ready to break down. Not knowing how to call the a hospital to set up a pre-op physical, or even how to order a pizza without stuttering throughout the entire call. I do not think once in my entire 2 years of adulting, have set an appointment (Other than job interviews) for anything without having to have my mother help me with it.

     I know it is all in my head/ There is nothing the person on the other side of the phone can do besides hang up. But there is just this intense fear that builds inside me the minute I pick up my phone. Numerous times I have considered getting rid of my phone altogether so I don't have to deal with it, but even I know its best to face fears head on with at least a little bit of an open mind. On the other side of the scale. I always leave my phone on silent so I can avoid having to answer it when someone is calling.

     If that isn't bad enough. I hate it when people leave me voice mails. I'll see the tape deck icon and get a knot in my throat. I don't even understand why, its prerecorded and cannot speak back to me. The only thing worse is when the message says "Give me a call back at this number", cause now I have to build up the courage to call back now!
     I'm working on getting over this fear. I will be calling my doctors office tomorrow to schedule a post-op appointment. Hopefully will be able to make it through the call without stuttering to much and saying "What?" a hundred times! One step at a time!

Your Name

     November 9th, 2015 is the day I finally knew your name. My two little "Friends" tucked away inside my head. You have caused me so much trouble since the day I was born. Ear aches, infections, imbalance and hearing loss. You've both been with me since birth, you are genetic.

     "You have Cholesteatoma." My doctor told me "Left untreated, it will become fatal". Those were the exact words my doctor said to me. Cholesteatoma, I had never even heard of it. I knew nothing of what it was or what it did. My doctor did his best to explain to me what it is. Skin tumors. Skin cysts. Dead flesh. Building up within my head. Inside my ears. Digging away at my flesh and bones.

     Let me move away from the moody and dramatic writing style to give you some background. Since I was young I have always had ear troubles. My mother would call for me, and I would never hear her. I would sit in the front of class just to hear a little better. Every time someone started a conversation with me, they knew the first thing I would say back to them would be "What?" I have had three sets of tubes put into my ears, starting at the age of 8. A regular physician wouldn't have been able to notice what was building inside my ears, so they would just keep recommending remedies to soothe my ears instead of cure them. I had seen an ENT off and on growing up, and he had never noticed anything wrong with my ears other than perforated ear drums and fluid build up. It was until the late summer of 2015 that my ears finally drove me to look for answers. I would fall over from imbalance just from closing my eyes for too long while standing. My ears leaked constantly and the pain was outlandish.
    I set an appointment to finally get another check up. I hadn't had one in over 5 years. I went to a new doctor in Willmar. Within the first few seconds of looking inside my ears he made some... Not so promising grumbles. He started suctioning my ears and pulling out bloodied scraps. When he finished, He sat me up at told me.
   
    Cholesteatoma. All these years and I finally have a name for you. In my left and right side, behind what is left of my ear drums. Digging away at my bones, moving closer and closer to my brain. I finally have your name, and a solution.

          Thank you for reading my first blog post about my disease. I've never done anything like this before, and I hope it can help my anxiety and stress. It was recommended to me by my friend Shelby. She lives with a disease called Postural Orthostatic Tachycradia Syndrome.
          She has a blog over at http://youngandlivingwithpots.blogspot.com/ Feel free to check it out if you wanna learn more about her life and struggles living with a chronic illness.